http://elitedaily.com/life/15-things-happy-people-dont-do/
Most of the suggestions are common sense "golden rule" kinds of things. The one that resonated with me the most is trying not to have expectations.
If you don't have expectations, then you can't be disappointed, right? Instead you are pleasantly surprised by events as they unfold. We have so many expectations that have been fed to us over the years by our common culture, it is hard to let them go. When we don't meet those expectations, we feel like somehow we've failed. Most of them are so utterly unattainable that we, or at least I, am beating myself up over things that had little merit from the beginning.
The idea of not having or creating expectations applies to so many aspects of my life right now that I could write a novel. Most recently this has manifested itself in the struggle to pick a Halloween costume for Vivian. Something that should be light-hearted and fun shouldn't be a struggle (yet another expectation). Yet I am embarrassed to admit that I spent hours wrestling with this issue.
Fifteen years ago, I would tell you that I wouldn't treat my future daughter any differently than my son. Pink wouldn't be prevalent, Barbie Dolls would be banned forever due their ridiculous body measurements, and she would grow up with strong female role models to look up to, not Disney Princesses.
A lot of things have changed in fifteen years, and I have too. I couldn't stop buying pink when I discovered we were having a girl. It turns out her favorite color, at least for now, is yellow. My daughter has strong female role models in her life - lots of them actually (maybe even too many - lol).
Vivian is independent and stubborn. You can see it at 17 1/2 months. She is already telling Jack what to do, in her own way. She plays with "girl" toys sometimes. She seems to be more interested in what Jack is doing. She wants to play with his cars and his Star Wars toys. Yet, she loves to wear dresses. I put one on her the other day and she twirled around (where did she learn that?). For the most part, I think the messages she receives about gender are somewhat balanced. I love that Bernie is home with her right now. It shows her that gender roles can be somewhat flexible.
There are different cultural signals sent to boys than those sent to girls. Boys aren't taught that they have to grow up and marry the love of their life in order to be happy. You don't see this the theme in Toy Story or Cars or Star Wars. Most of the programming aimed at boys can be boiled down to the battle of good over evil, and learning how to do the right thing. For girls, these themes are somewhat prevalent but the culmination of Sleeping Beauty, Beauty & the Beast, Aladdin, etc. has to do with getting married and living happily ever after. Boys know or eventually figure out that they do not have superpowers and girls realize that it's not very likely that they will become princesses. The difference is that girls hold on to the idea that someday their prince will come. I don't want Vivi believing that she needs a prince to rescue her or be happy. I don't want her to have unrealistic expectations about what happiness is or how it can be attained.
On the other hand, I love my Disney Movies. I just purchased "The Little Mermaid" for Vivi for Christmas. How could I possibly not expose her to such a fantastic soundtrack? I see my friends post pictures from Disney after taking their daughters to tea parties with the Princesses or going to the Bippity-Boppity-Boutique. I want to do those things too. Childhood is so short. Would it really hurt to let her believe that she is a princess for a few years? Maybe I am over analyzing this and I just need to lighten up. I don't know.
Back to the Halloween debate, Jack said months ago that he wanted to be General Grevious this year. We ordered his costume in August. As of this past weekend, I still hadn't made a decision about Vivian. The boys, having winter birthdays, were older than Vivi by their second Halloween. They had characters they identified with and loved. Vivi doesn't have that yet. She is too big for most of the cute toddler animal costumes. Jack wanted her to be Princess Leia. We briefly considered that but the reviews of the costume said it didn't fit well and we didn't think Vivi would keep the headpiece on. The Disney Princess costumes are adorable, but I am just not ready to make that leap yet. I had decided Tinker Bell was a good compromise. It's cute, she is a fairy, and doesn't seem to be boy crazy (although admittedly I haven't seen much of her work beyond Peter Pan). I waited too long and Tinker Bell in Vivi's size seemed to be sold out everywhere. I decided that I just needed to take Vivi to the store and let her pick out her own costume.
I had to go to New York yesterday for a mediation, so Bernie picked me up last night at the train station and we headed to Party City in Waterford. It is one of very few stores that still has a good Halloween selection. I put Vivi down in the costume section and she immediately picked up the Belle yellow princess gown, then Snow White, then Cinderella. At one point she was walking through the store dragging three dresses behind her. Bernie thought that might be a window into his future. I wish I had taken a picture.
Those dresses she picked were a size 4-6, a little too big for Vivi right now. The Belle dress in her size was gold and not yellow, so I was afraid she wouldn't like it as much. They actually had a perfect size Tinker Bell costume in stock, so that is what we went with. When I tried it on her at home, she giggled in delight when she saw herself in the mirror. It is the perfect choice. I won't spoil Halloween by posting pictures now.
I suppose that much like anything else, messages about expectations and gender need to be balanced. We need to be intentional about what Vivi is learning. If being a princess next year will make her happy, then who am I to say no? Allegedly the messages children receive from their parents are much more influential than what they get through the media. I can only hope that is true.
We'll save the Barbie debate for another day. Maybe Vivi will never want one...
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