Transitions

What happens when I don’t blog for a few days? You get a novel.

Our Christmas was nice and somewhat low key.  Jack didn't want to go to bed on Christmas Eve, but then slept until 8:30am on Christmas morning.  The funniest moment of the day came right after he got up.  He wanted to go downstairs to see Santa.  He apparently thought that Santa came to deliver presents and then slept on the couch.  We kept talking about Santa coming, but I guess we never talked about Santa leaving.  Jack got over any disappointment quickly when he saw that Santa delivered the castle at the top of his wish list. 

We changed the format of Christmas a little bit.  Instead of doing a big Christmas dinner, we had Christmas brunch with Bernie's parents and my mom.  We then opened presents with Bernie's parents.  Shortly after they left, my brother and sister showed up with their families.  We were just going to have dessert, but my friend Debbi suggested we pick up some stuffed breads at Angelo's Bakery. I am so glad I took her advice.  It was delicious. After stuffed bread and desserts, we opened more gifts and then everyone went home. I think this is a format we are likely to use again in the future, although I'd probably tweak the menu a little bit. Next year I want add crepes or baked brie to brunch.  I won’t repost the Christmas pictures here since I’ve already shared them on Facebook.

The day after Christmas I had to go to Orlando for a meeting.  It was round trip in a day, so I booked the 6am flight.  I am almost an hour from the airport.  This meant my having to get up at 3:30am and leaving around 4am.  I got up on time, got ready, grabbed my bag and headed out. I was completely exhausted from Christmas and from the fact that Vivian didn't sleep so well that night. While I was driving to the airport, I had the nagging feeling I was forgetting something. I remembered what it was as I pulled into the off-airport parking place. I forgot my wallet which contained my drivers’ license.  I had put it in Vivian's diaper bag when we went to Angelo's on Christmas Eve and had forgotten to transfer it to my laptap bag. I drove all the way home to get it and then all the way back to the airport.

The meeting was pushed back an hour to make up for my mishap, so I was only twenty minutes late. At its successful conclusion, I made my way back to the Orlando airport. My flight to Atlanta where my layover was, was delayed.  There was winter weather all over the country, and that included Hartford. By the time I got to Atlanta, I had a migraine and was feeling miserable.

We boarded the flight for Hartford and it too was delayed. The pilots introduced themselves and told us about all their flying experience.  They told us that the flight was likely to be bumpy because of the weather situation.  Then they told us they were adding more fuel in case they couldn't land in Hartford and had to divert to Bangor or Baltimore.  None of this was helping my headache, but I decided to see if I could sleep it off. It worked. I woke up as we were making the approach into Hartford.  We landed only about forty minutes late. I got home safely around 2am, and at that point the roads were almost clear.

I went from cold winter weather to warm sunny Florida, and back again in less than twenty four hours. This whole experience got me thinking about transitions. I know a lot of people going through some big ones right now - new jobs, new marriages, new babies, relocations, etc. We expect the big transitions to be bumpy, but as adults we think we can handle the "little" ones. We are agile and flexible. We spent enough time pouting about recess being over in grade school to know that pouting doesn't help, and we have to move on to the next subject. Transitions aren't always as easy as just going through the motions.  If they were, I would have had my wallet with me the first time I arrived at the airport. My mind and my heart were still at home with my family.

In 2012, I managed to have a baby and get promoted.  These changes made these transitions starker than ever.  By day I am preparing corporate representatives for depositions, negotiating terms of settlements, writing coverage opinions, and working out trial strategy. By night I am changing diapers, singing lullabies, reading stories, playing pretend, devising thesis statements for American Literature papers, and counseling the kids through the latest crisis, whether it is trying to decide whether to play a particular sport, or why a child at daycare wouldn’t share a game.  I end up in a meeting at work wearing a spit up stain. I find toys in my brief case. I take conference calls in the car on mute, begging Jack to be quiet, as I drive home from daycare. I recently found a picture that Jack drew on the back of a draft of a Motion for Summary Judgment (it totally made me smile). Technology is my best friend and worst enemy rolled into one.  I have flexibility to work from home when the kids are feeling under the weather, but yet trying to “unplug” physically and mentally seems a near impossibility. Someone always requires my attention, sometimes that person is two feet tall, and sometimes that person is multiple layers above me at the company.  I do my best to keep it all together.  Some days go off without a hitch, on others I fail miserably.  I find that it is hard to go from one to the other. Sometimes on Saturday morning, I am not sure where to start with being a full time mom.  On many Monday mornings I find myself missing Vivian’s “kisses,” playing with Jack, or Nick’s witty comments. Finding balance seems to be a reoccurring theme for me, so it is safe to say I have not achieved it yet.

None of this includes trying to keep the family unit somewhat organized and running efficiently or trying to make time for extended friends and family. Sometimes I wonder how I can still formulate a coherent sentence by the time my head hits the pillow. Bernie might tell you that I cannot. None of this would be possible without him.  I don’t know how single parents do it.  It seems like two of us just isn’t enough.

As we head into 2013, people are making their annual resolutions. I have two.  The first is to more successfully make the transitions between work and home, so that I am not constantly on my iphone when I am with the kids. I am going to make an effort to shut it off completely between the time I get home from work and when they go to bed.  Doing this on the weekends is more complicated since it is my only method of communication with the outside world.  Hopefully by doing this during the week, I can be better at compartmentalizing on the weekend.  My second resolution is just to be more disciplined.  There are so many things I want to be better at, to be a better example for the kids.  I think I can accomplish quite a bit if I can just be a little more disciplined and stay a little more focused, particularly when life gets in the way. I am hoping that by being more general in this resolution, I can be more successful than in prior years, in accomplishing the larger goals.  As with most things, time will tell.

Although this is completely off topic, I feel like I need to comment on the story that one of the parents of a survivor at Sandy Hook has sought permission to sue the State of Connecticut alleging that the state could have done more to prevent the shooting.  I have seen a lot of negative publicity and comments about this action.  People want to know why the parent can't just be happy that the child survived, or why anyone would try to profit from this horrific event.  I don't know the parent, or the child.  Greed might be the motivation, but I have a hard time believing that.  A lot of changes come about as the result of a lawsuit.  Some of these changes are ridiculous- such as the warning on your coffee that your beverage is hot.   Some changes are helpful such as smoking bans in most public places. This lawsuit is a way to keep Newtown on top of the state's agenda and to help ensure meaningful action. The parents of the survivors are trying to reassure their children that they are safe, this lawsuit is a way to help them make good on that promise. Perhaps if they win the lawsuit they will donate money to schools trying to beef up security. Schools are having a hard time paying teachers and purchasing curriculum. Top-notch security systems are not in the budget.  I simply don't think we should judge people generally, but especially not in this situation.  We really have no idea what these people are going through, and I certainly hope more of us don't have to find out. I guess I am just asking you to keep an open mind.

Finally, since this is the last post in the "month of Bernie,"  I just have to appreciate that he shoveled us out after Winter Storm Bryan (if you watch Channel 3), or Winter Storm Fryer (for those of you who watch the weather channel).  Hurricanes only have one name, I'm not sure why we can't get everyone on the same page with respect to winter storms.  

Or maybe it was Jack that did all the work? Hmmm....

Vivi's first winter storm.  She wasn't sure what to think of all the cold white stuff.

You know what I was going for here - but it didn't work out so well.

These two don't love each other at all...

Not a storm picture obviously, but we can't close out the year without Nick.

Happy Transitions!

I wish you and your families a happy, healthy 2013!

The Calm Within The Storm

There have been some debates as of late in the Edwards house regarding dates.  The first one erupted last week. Bernie took the week after Christmas off to stay with Jack and Vivian while Kellee is closed for her annual holiday break. When I said "the week after Christmas" I meant December 26 - January 1st. Bernie believed "the week after Christmas" to mean December 31st to January 4th.  As a result, we realized late last week that we essentially had no one to watch the kids December 26th - 28th.  We are set now, but it is a good thing we figure out the miscommunication when we did.

The second debate is about the meaning of "the month of Bernie." When I wrote that I would blog about Bernie every night while Lewis was around, I essentially meant through advent, or through 12/24.  Bernie took that to mean through 12/31.  Blogging as often as I have been has made getting a lot of other things done, almost impossible.  There just isn't much to say on a daily basis that is all that interesting. I don't know how to resolve this conflict except maybe to try and blog every other day until the end of the year.  I am not making any promises, we'll see what happens.

The one thing we both agree on is that tomorrow is Christmas Eve and is Lewis' last day with us until we begin preparations for Christmas next year.  As a result, Lewis has pulled his last prank of the season - drawing on our faces in our latest family portrait. He also wrote Jack a nice note about how much he will miss him.



I took Jack out today for awhile, just him and I.  We hadn't had a chance for him to get his 2012 ornament and I wanted him to do some Christmas shopping for his siblings.  He picked out perfect gifts for Nick and Vivian.  He even held up to the pressure from Nick when Nick wanted to know what he bought.  We'll see if he makes it until Christmas.  The ornament Jack picked out could not be further from Vivian's Precious Moments ornament. It is a Peanuts ornament with lights and sound and actually requires AAA batteries.  I took some (not so very good) video of it.

I am not all that excited about putting commercial ornaments on my Christmas tree but we can save that topic for a blog of another day.  We stopped at McDonalds' for an ice cream shopping break.  I took a few cute pictures of Jack, and then he insisted on taking funny face pictures.  He took the one of me. 

This was the first time I've been out in public with Jack alone since the Newtown tragedy.  I definitely kept him closer than I would have a few weeks ago.  I tried to just focus on him and all of his four-year old silliness.  He is very excited about Christmas.  His enthusiasm is infectious.

I am starting to stress about hosting Christmas.  We still have wrapping, cooking, baking and cleaning to do.  I have a couple of things I want to pick up at the bakery. Plus we need to go to church.  Bernie is good at getting me to have a glass of wine and take a deep breath.  He is good at reminding me that Christmas is about the kids.  We'll get the important tasks checked off the to-do list.  Everything else is icing on the cake.  Really all that matters is that we get to spend the day together and with some of our extended family.  Jack is excited about seeing his cousins and has already scoped out some new hiding places for an anticipated game of "hide and seek." 

As the "month of Bernie" does or does not come to a close, I think one of the things I most appreciate about my husband and best friend is that he is my calm within the storm regardless of severity or duration. When asked about how he got through 9/11, Guilaini indicated that he followed some advice someone else had given him.  That advice was, the crazier and more intense things get, the calmer you should try to be.  This made a lot of sense to Bernie and he does a good job of embodying this philosophy when it really matters. He is able to get me to cut out the noise, focus on the task at hand, and generally, just keep moving forward.

We need the hope and light of season this year more than we have in recent history. If I don't get a chance to blog tomorrow, enjoy your friends and family. Have a peaceful and merry Christmas!

Precious Moments

As I predicted, when Jack saw what Lewis did to the mirror, he immediately said, "we have to clean that up!" Somehow I managed to convince him to leave it up there until Lewis went back to the North Pole tonight. 

Lewis wanted to remind everyone that there are just two more days until Christmas!  Are you ready?  Christmas snuck up on me this year but we are getting there.  Thank goodness for a four day weeked.

I am not sure why, but apparently you are supposed to wear your Halloween costume when getting ready for Christmas.   Today, "Dark" Vader and Captain American converged on "the brown house" AKA Debbi and Reggie's house, to decorate cookies. 

Jack and Christopher did great working together and playing games together once the cookies were done.  Christopher loved Vivian.  He rocked her when she was in her car seat.  He even decorated a cookie for her.  It was very sweet. Apparently the most important decoration for Christmas cookies are M&Ms.

I collect Precious Moments.  I use the word "collect" loosely because its been years since I got a new figurine and the ones I have are packed in the basement, safely stored away from little hands.  I have the Baby's First Christmas Ornaments from 1996 and 2008, for Nick and Jack respectively.  I hadn't had a chance to pick one up for Vivian, and apparently these things sell out.  I called one Hallmark store this morning that claimed to have one.  When we got there tonight, they did not. At 8:40pm, I found one, via phone call to a Hallmark store in Old Saybrook.  The problem was that they closed at 9:00pm and according to my iphone, the store was 17 minutes away.

Vivian obviously would not know if the ornament arrived on time, and I could have ordered one for delivery a few days after the 25th.  However, I really wanted to have it in time for Christmas.  Even though Bernie was tired and hungry from shopping, he drove me to Old Saybrook and got me there before it closed. Thank you, Bernie!

Here is Vivian's first ornament:

It has been a fun and productive day!

Sparkely Teeth

Whenever Jack finishes brushing his teeth, he turns to me with a toothy grin and says, "look at my sparkely teeth!"  Lewis has borrowed the toothpaste tonight.

Jack likes having things clean.  Sometimes he'll want to wash his hands even before he is done eating if they get sticky in the process.  He likes to have his room neat and orderly. Bernie is the same way.  It's not that I wouldn't prefer that everything be in its place.  It's just that between the both of us working more than full-time and also being parents, there is not a lot of time to spend cleaning and organizing.

Bernie likes to bring order to chaos. This translates into him doing things like the laundry, vacuuming, emptying and loading the dishwasher, cleaning out the refigerator, and picking up in general. I am sure I am missing a few things off the list.  I am also sure that he will tell me what they are after he reads this post.  Regardless, these are chores that many other similarly situated husbands would refuse to do. I am lucky in that Bernie says cleaning is one of the few things he actually has control over in his life - LOL.

Bernie already asked who was going to clean up Lewis' graffitti.  I wonder if Jack will ask the same thing when he gets up in the morning.

It's the End of the World As We Know It

As the world is scheduled to end today, Lewis thought it might be a good time to work on his bucket list.

Special thanks to Laura Flack and Lesley Beyer for their

creative input in Lewis' Apocalypse Eve activities.

No, I do not actually think the world is going to end today. I am a little worried though that the one week anniversary of the Newtown tragedy combined with the ending of the Mayan Calendar could spark some additional violent activity.  I am hoping for the best though: a day of peace to wrap up the work week, and the ability to work on Christmas preparations.  Since our holiday cards haven't even gone out yet, I'm going to keep this entry brief.

The events of the past week remind us that life is short.  When talking about career goals or life goals generally, people always ask about your 5-year or 10-year plan.  I've always had one, and I'm working on my next one.  The current plan ends when Vivian turns one.  I'm five years out of law school and no longer need to worry about making sure that my career includes maternity leave.  When she is one, I won't need to worry about whether I have a job that is supportive of nursing mothers, or is flexible enough to fit in those first year appointments with the pediatrician.  The need for work and family balance continues for many years to come, but parenting becomes a little less demanding at least in some ways, after that first birthday. As this cycle comes to a close, I need to figure out what is next for me.  Not having a clear direction is an uneasy space.

It is nice to have goals. but at the same time, having that list forces you to focus on the future and not so much on the present. I have to give Bernie credit here.  He is more focused on the here and now, rather than the someday.  I think he recognizes that someday may never come.  I don't think he's ever written out a five year plan, yet he is still successful at work and still accomplishes things personally that make him happy.  It use to bother me that he wasn't a planner like I am.  Now that I know that your plans don't always work out, I think being able to go with the flow is way more of an asset than a detriment.

Neither of Bernie or I really have a "bucket list" per se. We both have things we'd like to do.  He'd like to go see Wimbeldon, I'd like to tour Paris.  At some point we should put together our lists so that we can make sure we check at least some items off. For now though, I really just need to figure out how I am going to get my Christmas shopping done.  I expect Jack would not understand if we told him we didn't get him any presents because we thought the world was going to end - LOL.

What is on your bucket list?

Give A Little Bit

I call Bernie "Happy" sometimes, which is sarcastic for when he is Grumpy.  I got him a mug at Disneyworld, which I think fits him perfectly. It reads: "Beneath this grumpy exterior beats the heart of a dashing hero."  I love that Bernie is sensitive and he has a big heart.  He likes to root for the underdog which partially explains why he is a Dallas Cowboys fan (sorry, honey). It takes an awful lot to get him riled up, and even more to get him to take a solid position politically.  I am quick to pick a side. He likes to play devil's advocate. Often I think it is just to see if he can get a rise out of me.  He'll even go so far as to tell me he's voted for an opposing candidate in order to "neutralize" my vote.  In the majority of cases, he is just kidding, and we are actually on the same page.

He doesn't like to hear about children or animals being treated unfairly.  Bernie is just as upset about what happened in Newtown as I am.  If he could do anything to change what happened or keep it from happening again, he would do it in a heartbeat.  He feels pretty strongly as do I that a ban on assault weapons would be a first step in the right direction in the gun control arena.   I don't want to start a debate here, there are plenty of forums for that.  Violence in this country is not a problem that will be easily solved with one sweeping piece of legislation; and gun control isn't the only necessary component.  It is a puzzle with many pieces. At the end of the day, I think most people in this country want the same thing right now.  We all want to make the world a safer place.  Both sides (the gun proponents and gun opponents) will need to give a little bit in compromise in order to find a meaningful solution.

My point in all of this,  is that I enjoy watching Bernie get on his soap box.   His isn't quite as worn as mine.  He is cute when he is passionate about something. 

Here is Lewis with a paperweight that Jack made Bernie for Father's Day last year.  I love that Bernie kept it and displays it even though there is almost no chance that he will ever use it to keep papers from blowing off his desk. It shows just how sentimental he can be.

Mangia, Mangia!

Lewis has been in the kitchen tonight, making snow angels:

He is not the only one that has been in the kitchen.  Chef Bernie is usually home when I get home from work, and therefore makes dinner a lot.  He is a way better cook than I am, a trait he inherited from his mother. 

I am so thankful that Bernie made dinner tonight.  I am exhausted.  I was stranded in the Detriot airport for a few hours last night.  When we finally boarded the plane, we sat on the tarmac for about an hour waiting for a mechanical defect to be fixed.  By the time I pulled into the driveway at home, it was after 3am. I tried to sleep in but that is an impossible feat when you have small children.

Not only did he make dinner, he made one of my favorites, quiche:

When I was pregnant with Vivian, there was almost nothing that sounded appetizing.  Quiche was one of the few things I would actually eat.  Bernie started with a basic recipe and has been enhancing it ever since.  It is awesome.  I am lacto-ovo vegetarian but the rest of the family is not (although the jury is still out on Jack).  This often means he has to make two versions of the same dish.  Perhaps we should nominate him for sainthood?  Lol!

Oklahoma City

So much for blogging everyday in December, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it last night.  I think I might have enough to say right now though to count for two posts (or more).  That is, if I can find the words.

I’m just leaving Oklahoma City, a place I had never been before yesterday, but before visiting felt some sort of strange connection to.  Shortly after the Oklahoma City bombing, and while I was newly pregnant with Nicholas, I was working for a temp agency in the Federal Building in East Hartford.  There were regular emergency drills there and everyone seemed to be on edge because of what had happened at the Murrah Federal Building, fearing that history would repeat itself in Connecticut. 

While I really don’t believe in premonitions, a few years ago, I had a vivid and eerie dream about the OKC memorial, specifically the empty chairs.  The next day, my Dad called me to tell me he had taken a position with a company based in Oklahoma City.  I had no idea he was even interviewing. The memorial looked amazing from the news reports. I knew that someday, I had to see it in person.

A mediation in one of my cases took place today in OKC, and I flew in a little early on Sunday so that I could visit the museum.  OKC seemed to me, a place that dealt with inexplicable tragedy and somehow rebounded in a positive and meaningful way.  I thought maybe I could learn something from that experience that might be helpful to the people of Newtown, CT.

I’m not sure if it is officially being categorized in this manner, but I absolutely classify the mass-shooting to be an act of domestic terrorism.  Terrorism is defined by dictionary.com in pertinent part as “1. the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes. 2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.”  As I sat in my hotel room, I got the news flashes on my iphone from WFSB that indicated that threats had been made against the Bristol school district, followed up by another newsflash that the Ridgefield schools were in lockdown.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit to being afraid for Nicholas’ safety.  I was questioning the wisdom of sending him to school to take his midterm exams, and also questioning whether I should really be 1602 miles from home (yes, I mapquested it).  If that isn’t terrorism, I don’t know what is. 

On my way down to OKC, I messaged my Facebook friend, Marcie.  While I went to high school with her, I am calling her my “Facebook friend” because without Facebook, I would not have known that she was in OKC, nor would I have known that politically we seemed to have a lot in common.  For sure, I knew we both liked the Yankees, but I had found myself “liking” many of her status updates.  To that end, I probably know her better now that I did back in the early 90s.  She offered to come along on my journey through the memorial.  She warned me ahead of time that it would not be uplifting, but I really didn’t appreciate that statement until our evening came to a close.

The museum connected to the memorial is housed in what used to be the Journal Record Building, which was adjacent to the federal building and sustained significant damage due to the bombing. As you walk in, you are greeted with a plaque that reads:

We come here to remember those who were killed,

those who survived and those changed forever.

May all who leave here know the impact of the violence.

May this memorial offer comfort

strength, peace, hope and serenity.

The museum is incredible.  At one point they put you in a room and close the doors and you hear an actual audio recording of when the bomb went off.  There are artifacts, pictures, and testimony from those who survived, and from family members of those who did not.  There is a room which is preserved with actual damage from the bombing. I don’t want to give away too much in case you haven’t been and find yourself there one day, but you truly get a sense of who was killed, who was injured and how those that survived found the strength to carry on.

There was a daycare center on the second floor of the federal building.  Of the 168 people killed, 19 were children.  In the Newtown tragedy, we lost 26, 20 of which were children. 

The outdoor portion of the memorial is breathtaking.  The survivor tree is an American Elm that was damaged in the blast and contained many pieces of evidence following the bombing.  It was one of few sources of shade downtown. When it was determined that the tree had to be part of the memorial, steps were taken to ensure its health and it began to thrive.  It is said to be a symbol of human resilience. There is an inscription around the base of the tree that reads “The spirit of this city and this nation will not be defeated; our deeply rooted faith sustains us.”

There are 168 empty chairs arranged in 9 rows, in front of a still reflecting pool.  There is one chair for each person that died with his/her name inscribed. The row each chair is placed in corresponds to the floor that the person was believed to be on during the blast.  The chairs are symbolic of the empty chairs at the dinner tables and the void left in families and in the community by the loss of those individuals.  The little chairs, scattered mostly about the second row, are for the children.

The museum in and of itself is sort of a time capsule.  Artifacts include older telephones, VHS tapes, computer monitors that would take up half of a desk. Not that I recommend taking a child of tender years (I do not), but Jack would not understand what many of these things are.  Technology has changed at an incredibly rapid pace since April 19, 1995. CNN was the only news network and people were not instantly posting pictures from cell phone cameras on social media websites.

 The other thing that seems to have changed is the frequency and intensity of attacks on our country both domestic and foreign. It is becoming so common that Nick actually said he was not surprised when he found out about Newtown. He was three when we were all in shock over Columbine, and he was five when we witnessed the 9/11 destruction. There have been multiple incidents all over the country since then. The world Nick has grown up in seems so much more violent than the one I did.

I know the rest of the country and the world is shaken by what happened in Newtown, but I wonder if they are grieving the way those of us from Connecticut are.  Newtown is so much like all of our towns, so much like Colchester.  Any one of us could have gotten that horrible visit by Governor Malloy last week. Those twenty beautiful children are our children.  This was an assault on every single one of us.

Even beyond the question of why Sandy Hook Elementary school was attacked, there are so many others that need to be explored in the coming weeks. Where do we go from here? Are any of us safe?  Am I willing to forgo some basic freedoms to ensure the security of my children?  How do we keep from becoming a military state?  Even the NRA whose members are often maniacal about the right to bear arms have been unusually quiet since Friday.  I am almost always the first person to defend our First Amendment Freedom of Speech even in obscure situations.  I understand that sometimes you have deal with the unfortunate (i.e. flag burning) to secure freedom of expression for everyone.  Even I have limits.  That hate group that protests military funerals (I won’t even give them the courtesy of mentioning them by name) has threatened to protest the funerals of the innocent Newtown children.  Excuse my language, but if those assholes show up in Connecticut, I can promise you I will be part of a human wall to keep them from the grieving families. 

The balance for freedom v. safety was fully illustrated before me this evening.  I am still nursing Vivian.  When I am not with her, I pump milk for her for when I get home.  Tonight, the milk tested positive for explosives – this is not the first time.  What did happen for the first time, is that when they patted me down, I also tested positive for explosives.  I am probably one of the most non-violent people you’ll ever meet.  I have no idea where to even obtain explosives.  I won't go into details about what happened next but I can tell you that I was detained, albeit briefly, it was long enough to miss my flight.  The TSA agents took their job somewhat seriously although I believe they recognized that I wasn't actually a threat.  I decided to fully cooperate because I really just wanted to get home tonight.  I did start to wonder what would happen if I wasn't cleared.  It was getting late in the day. Would I have had to spend a night in a federal prison while this all got sorted out?  I am happy that I didn't have to find out the answer.  I can only hope that whatever procedures are in place, make the skies a safer place.  Although admittedly, I have my doubts.  What is almost funny about this is that Marcie mentioned that the Will Rogers Airport is a TSA training facility and that it can take an inordinate amount of time to get through security.  That was at least the second thing she was right about yesterday, and I am sure there are many more things.

So, what did I learn from Oklahoma City?  I learned that the path for dealing with tragedy has already been paved for us by those that have been through similar things. I learned that beyond tragedy there can be peace; that as the phoenix arose from the ashes so will Connecticut. I learned that those makeshift memorials people leave in the road, on fences, mean something to the survivors. I didn’t really understand their significance until this weekend. 

I learned that the people of Newtown will need some sort of memorial where loved ones, friends, and spectators can go to grieve, to remember, to reflect. Schools throughout Oklahoma collected almost half a million dollars in pennies when they asked each student to bring one penny for each person lost in the bombing.  That would be a simple way to help Newtown.

After the Oklahoma City bombing, and after many school shootings, survivors were given teddy bears to hold onto for security.  Teddy bears are being collected through Operation Fuzzy Wuzzy II in the hope that there will be one for each student when the elementary school reopens in Monroe.  It looks like the response for donating bears has been overwhelming, and the link contains information on making a monetary donation if you are interested.

I  bet you didn't think I'd work Lewis into this post....

As we did after Oklahoma City, after Columbine, after 9/11, after Aurora, and all the tragedies since and in between, we will and have come together to support the families as they work through this unimaginable grief.  We absolutely have to figure out what is so inherently wrong in our society that these things keep happening.  We have to stop the madness.  We have to say never again, but we have to be angry enough to really mean it this time.

Let Your Light Shine

Bernie wants me to dedicate some of his remaining blog posts to how we can help with the Newtown tragedy and/or how to make the world a better place. One way, as demonstrated by Lewis, is to say a prayer, to light a candle, or do both while attending a prayer vigil. You can find a list of planned vigils here. I am praying that some how, some way, the affected families will eventually find peace. That seems impossible right about now, since those of us watching this from afar can't seem to find any.

We are doing our best to shelter Jack from all this (a luxury that the Sandy Hook Elementary School parents do not have). It is hard because it is everywhere.  It is all over the television and you can't go anywhere right now without hearing related discussion. When the time comes, starting Kindergarten is hard enough, we definitely do not want him to feel unsafe.

We turned the news off for awhile and decided to try to do some activitites that might help spark some Christmas spirit.  We headed to the Shoreline Trolley Museum, which was hosting trolley rides to see Santa.  Jack likes trains so I figured it would be fun for him, and I've been wanting to get some pictures of the kids with St. Nick. There are a lot of old and interesting trolleys at the museum.  I think Jack checked out most if not all of them. Vivi went to see Santa, no problem.

Jack, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with Santa.  Here is Santa trying to get Jack to cooperate (Jack is hiding on the floor):



This was a nice, patient Santa, but that did not change Jack's mind.  When we finished with the museum, we headed to the Fantasy of Lights.  At first Jack was bummed that we couldn't get out of the car and see the lights.  He really enjoyed them once he got over that.  I have to say that I agree that that there should be walking paths at these things in addition to the auto path. I am sure Vivian didn't get to see much of anything since she was rear-facing in her car seat. 

When we got home, we watched the movie Elf. It was the first time Jack saw it and he thought it was hysterical.  I think his new saying might be "son of a nutcracker!"

It is hard to be festive with so much going on in our little state right now.  What happened in Newton reminds us that live is precious, fragile, and fleeting.  We have to give our kids amazing holidays while we have the opportunity to do so.

The Children

There are so many questions on days like today and simply no answers. I am heartbroken for the families who don't get to tuck their kids into bed, or kiss their loved ones good night. So much has been stolen from them, and it is completely senseless.

I don't have anything profound to say or anything different than what has already been expressed over the last few hours.

We can get into debates about whether schools need metal detectors, whether gun control laws need to be tighter, and about what is so inherently wrong with our country that this continues to happen. None of that will bring back the 27 people who lost their lives today simply because they went to school. At some point we need to visit these topics and figure out how to stop this from happening again.

It is almost Christmas. There are so many kids out there that need us. Kids that are starving, neglected, abused, and/or lost in the foster system. In honor of the kids that now have to spend Christmas in heaven, I am going to do something to make a difference in the lives of some kids who are still with us and who need help. At times like this, we all feel powerless. The least I can do is try to make the world a little brighter; something in furtherance of my belief that even on the darkest days, good still triumphs over evil.

I'm also going to hug my kids a little tighter tonight. I am going to do my best not to take them for granted. They are truly a gift.

Since this blog is supposed to be about my husband, I can tell you that he loves his kids and he is a great Dad. These photos show just a sliver of his relationship with them.

Our thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by what happened today in Newtown.

Home

Guess who is in the dog house?  LOL - just kidding!  This is the gingerbread house that Bernie and Jack have been working on.

When I was younger, I thought that home meant a house, a place you live with your relatives.  Now I know that home is more of a feeling a sense of belonging and acceptance. Bernie gave me a one blog reprieve from talking about him in order to write about some of the cute things Jack did when Uncle Gary came "home" for Thanksgiving.

Bernie had told Gary all about how Jack was "Dark" Vader for Halloween.  Jack seemed to be more polite when he wore his costume: "I'm Dark Vader, how can I help you?"  Jack told me that Dark Vader was a good guy because he has a cape which means he saves the day. When Bernie went to pick Gary up at the airport, Jack wanted to go with him and wear his costume.  I really thought that the TSA would give Bernie a hard time for letting Jack wear a mask in the airport, but I guess exceptions are made when you are 4 that would not be made for most other people.  The TSA people were actually humming the Imperial March for Jack.  Other passengers wanted to know why Dark Vader was not there to greet them.



Gary had not been home in over a year for a variety of reasons, so Jack did not uderstand that Gary actually knew us pretty well.  When they stopped at the house on the way back from the airport, Jack had to introduce Gary to his car, house, little sister. It was very cute.

Bernie took Gary to their parents house after Jack went to sleep.  When Jack woke up the following morning, he was sad that Gary wasn't still at our house.  At one point he referred to Gary as "that guy we picked up at the airport." Gary was home for almost two weeks and Jack really enjoyed spending time with him.  We all did. 

Gary promised he would visit more often.  In the interim, we are going to try to a better job making sure that he talks to Jack.  Skype should be able to help with that. It will help Jack feel connected, and hopefully Gary will feel like he's right here with us, at home.

Lost & Found

Lewis is hiding in the lost and found.  We'll see how long it takes Jack to find him in the morning.

I misplace things all the time; things I need such as my car keys or my cell phone.  The more I have on my mind, the more apt I am to lose something.  During exams when I was in law school, I lost my keys more times than I can count.  Once I put them in the freezer.  Another day I left them on the bus.  One time I got on the bus and called Bernie to tell him that I couldn’t find my keys and I thought I locked them in the car.  I did. The kicker was that they were in the ignition and the car was still running.  Bernie got there several hours after I called.  We were lucky the car wasn’t stolen.

When you are deep in thought it is hard to remember where you put something down while you were in the middle of doing something else. Example: I might be making bottles when Jack needs help with his shoes. I put the bottle down to pick up my cell phone which vibrated during this and gets me thinking about something I need to do for work.  I walk over to Jack.  I put the phone down and leave it there, finish up with Jack and then finish making the bottles.  I completely forget that I put the phone on the couch when I’m frantically looking for it before we get in the car to go to Kellee's house (daycare).

No matter what I’ve lost, Bernie can always find it.  I don’t know how he does it, but he does.   He was traveling last week for work.  Two days in a row I lost my phone.  I panicked because I couldn’t find it.  I panicked because it is really the only way to get ahold of me (we don’t have a home phone) until I got to work.  I panicked because I couldn’t even call it because I didn’t have another phone, since Nick was already at school and had his phone with him. I really wondered if I would find it without Bernie’s help. I did find it both days but I was frustrated with myself as I retraced my steps and I knew Bernie would have been able to find it much faster than I did.

I am truly lost without Bernie, or at the very least my stuff is lost without him.  J

Random Acts of Kindness

Lewis found the card that Bernie got me for my birthday.

It is very sweet and thoughtful, like he is. It inspired me to do a top ten list of my favorite gifts he's given me over the years. He's very good at picking out things that are meaningful.

1. My wedding band, inscribed with: "May I Have This Dance? 7/4/2003" This is significant because I used to be a dancer.

2. A drawing he made of ballet shoes on pointe.

3. A stuffed Mr. Snuffleupagus doll from the gift shop at the hospital after Nick was born (my childhood dog was named Snuffy).

4. The Pandora bead "journey" when we found out my grandfather was sick (he is doing much better now).

5. My Garmin GPS watch and iPod nano, both for running and both made obsolete when I got my iPhone.

6. My Starbucks coffee mug. It was ceramic and I'm still bummed that it broke.

7. My treadmill x 2

8. A weekend away in Niantic when we first started dating. I think we stayed at a Motel 6, but it was sweet nonetheless.

9. My cheesehead.

10. The key finder he got me at Brookstone in like 1995. It never really worked but it was still a thoughtful gift.

He also does a lot of thoughtful things. The other day he stopped at the commuter lot to brush the snow and ice off my car before the bus dropped me off there. Sometimes he'll pick me up from work and bring me coffee too. If he knows I've had a rough day, he'll have a bottle of wine waiting for me when I get home. Sometimes he'll text me in the middle of the day just to let me know he's thinking about me.

The Coach

It looks like Lewis is getting ready to go for a run.

Among all of the other things he is and does, Bernie is also sort of a coach for me. He is very supportive of my running.  He has purchased new running shoes for me on ebay (they are new but usually one model older than what is currently being sold, and they are 1/2 the price). He used to watch my friends' kids so that my friends could run with me.  If I am grumpy or upset about something, he'll encourge me to lace up my shoes and head out the door.  He even sometimes travels to races with me. 

On September 30th, I ran the Wine Glass 1/2 Marathon in Corning, NY with my stepmother.  I had been traveling almost the entire week leading up the race.  I landed back in Hartford around 11:30pm on 9/28. After sleeping for a few hours, we packed and got started on the 6+ hour drive. I picked a hotel that was capable of taking dogs not knowing whether we would bring Jenny, so we were a little farther from the starting line that we would have liked to have be. The race started at 8am.  I wasn't able to pick up my packet the day before because the expo closed before we arrived. This meant that we all had to be up and ready to leave the hotel by 6:30am in order for me to comfortably be at the race on time. 

Bernie, with his coffee, waiting for the race to start:

After the race began, they went and had breakfast at Dennys with my Dad. They came outside the restaurant to cheer me on as I passed by.  Every few mile markers, I would take a picure and send it to Bernie so he could keep track of my progress.

This was Vivi at the race.  She has grown so much since then and it hasn't even been three months.

Jack is cheering on some runners.  I love the enthusiasm!

I did better than I had hoped I would. I pushed myself hard knowing I had brought my family all that way.  I pushed myself harder knowing I had given Bernie my time goal, and I really wanted to show him I could beat that time.

Bernie is not just my coach.  He coached Nick's recreational baseball leagues for many years and he also helps coach a co-ed adult softball team. He takes great pride in the accomplishments of the team and improvements in individual players. It is not always an easy job, but it is one that he does well.