Embracing Imperfection

Hello, December! Weren't you just here?

We are doing things a little differently this year. We have started the advent book countdown that is all over Pintrest. To gather our books, we stopped at a used bookstore on our way home from Georgia, called "Wonder Book." They have three stores. The one we visited was in Hagerstown, MD. Bernie found them online through Books by the Foot. We originally ordered 100 Christmas books for $29.95 (beat that Amazon) and were hoping to pick them up as we drove through. Our order wasn't ready, and I needed them quickly, so we put together our own set. Wonder Book has everything you could possibly imagine in books as well as records, movies, and comic books. It is huge. I could have spent hours in there. We will definitely have to go back at some point. We even earned a free shot glass with our purchase, the quirkiness is part of the fun.

 

Jack was convinced the store was a library. He asked me three or four times if he had to return the books he purchased. I think he might still be perplexed. He bought the Halloween I-Spy and a witch book with sticky skeletons (are you sensing a theme here?).

Bernie wrapped the advent books. The plan is to open one every night until Christmas. There are some books I want to be opened on certain nights to correspond with the elves (I'll get to that in a moment). In typical husband and wife fashion, I was planning on counting the books down, from day 25 to day 0. Bernie wrapped them 1-25 like the days you would open on a regular advent calendar (I admit this makes sense), luckily we figured out our mistake before he wrapped all the books and I think (hope) they are all in the right order now. Stay tuned (yes, I realize we could have just flipped the pile over, but what fun would that be?).

 

When I mentioned to the kids that we were going to do books this year rather than chocolate, they were less than thrilled. Lucky for them, my cousin Jodi, without knowing my plan, gave them traditional candy calendars. They were thankful for Jodi tonight when they opened the first window (which Bernie  pointed out was #1) and enjoyed their chocolate.

 

Those pesky elves are back but with a new twist. I decided to make them "kindness elves." For the next 24 days, they will encourage the kids to perform an act of kindness. I am hoping in the next few weeks to blog about what Jack and Vivi do, how they feel and what they learn.

The elves arrived last night while the kids were sleeping and left the following note:

 

The elves were laying on the top corner of the television. When Jack woke up, he said in a disappointed voice, "that's not very crazy." When we read the note, he didn't seem that interested. He and Vivi were supposed to give out five compliments today. Jack was afraid he would forget, so he asked me to make a copy of the note to bring to school with him. He put it in his pocket as a reminder. I asked him whether he thought doing a bunch of nice things in December would be fun. He seemed skeptical but said "maybe a little fun" in his best Oscar the Grouch impression.

In preparation of this elf project, book for night #1 (or #25 depending on which side you are on) was, "Sprinkle Your Sparkles." Jack was mad and barely listened because the book has pink on the cover. In my defense, there is also a boy on the cover. The book is about how when you do nice things for others, you sprinkle your sparkles. When a lot of people do that, there are lots of sparkles and everyone feels good. It was admittedly, a little over the top. However, Vivi loves the idea that she has an imaginary pocket full of sparkles that she can sprinkle on others.

 

Yesterday, a small proof reading mistake I made more than three years ago surfaced as an issue. Given the time that has passed, I don't remember all the details.  As a result, I definitely wasn't feeling my best. As I was putting Vivi to bed, we talked about the Sparkles story and doing nice things for other people. She told me that sometimes she is "bad." I looked at her beautiful green, questioning eyes, and my heart just sank. We never tell her she is bad. I've definitely used words like ridiculous and drama queen to describe her actions, but not "bad." Where do they get this stuff? 

When I asked her what she meant by "bad," she said sometimes she cries. She didn't mean legitimate crying for something she really needs or because she is hurt. She meant full blown "why can't I have what I want" temper tantrums. Being three, she has had a lot of these lately. Reasons for tantrums include a broken granola bar, having to sit in the red car seat instead of the blue car seat, not wanting to share a toy, wanting me to carry her all the time when my hands are clearly full, you get the picture.

I explained to her that she is not bad, not even a little bit. Everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions. I made sure she knew that even when she makes mistakes and bad decisions, we still love her, and that we always will. She seemed to accept that explanation and drifted off to sleep. That conversation made her feel better, and it made me feel better too. Kids have a way of saying the right thing at the right time. Sometimes it is helpful to be reminded that imperfection is expected. While we might strive for perfection, it is very rarely humanely possible. All we can do is our best, and in almost every case, that is more than good enough.

Off the Hook

To my adult son (and eventually to my other children),

I know you have been struggling with whether to spend Thanksgiving with us. In thinking about our interactions, I may have been sending you mixed messages. I want to be very clear: you are off the hook.

We love having you with us. You are always invited, always welcome, any day, any time. That is a given. Always.

Members of this family have used guilt to manipulate people for years. As a result, some people have been driven away and others immobilized. Guilt is one of those things that can destroy relationships. I am not going to use it on you, not now, not ever. If I ever do, I want you to point me to this post and hold me accountable. I love you too much to make you feel bad or guilty about anything. 

The most important thing to me is that you are at peace with your decisions and that you are doing things that make you happy. Life is too short to do anything else. Do what works best for you, your schedule, and your life. You have made many solid decisions in the short time you have been an adult. I trust you will continue to do that. I am in your corner 1000%. 

I am truly fine with whatever you decide about holidays, summers, birthdays, and even beyond college. Those decisions are yours and yours alone. You should be limited by only your imagination. When you figure out what you want, in your own time, and in your own way, please let us know. We want to do what we can to support you. 

There will be times when you are not off the hook; like when your brother is in his first Wimbledon final or your sister is being sworn in as President of the United States. I will let you know when those events happen and will give you as much notice as possible. Until then, you have enough to worry about; and where you are consuming turkey should not be one of them. Whether you are with us, eating a Hungry Man turkey dinner alone in your dorm room (which I really hope isn't the case), or with your new girlfriend (which we suspect might be the case), please know that one of the things I am most thankful for, is that I get to be your mom. It's been an amazing ride, and I don't think that is going to change any time soon. 

Wherever you end up, I hope you are with people who appreciate your debates and sharp wit as much as we do. 

Love,

Mom

Do You Believe in Magic?

Jack loves Halloween, way more than your average bear. He turns seven this year on Thanksgiving. That is a really tough time of year to hold a party. Since Halloween was on Saturday this year, we thought it would be a perfect chance to throw a Halloween Birthday Bash.

This was the invite:

These are the pumpkins carved by my very talented husband:

Jack's pumpkin was the RIP one and Vivi's is Raven from Teen Titans Go!  Vivi's costume was also Raven, although she wasn't really into dressing up this year.  The only pics we got of her in her costume are from her school Halloween party.

Most people run the other direction when they find out you are having 20+ kids at your house ranging in ages from 3-8, for several hours on end. Our friends Marybeth and Scott did just the opposite. Marybeth was my study partner my first year of law school. We work very well together, and we have been great friends since the day we met. After working all day and then driving to our house from Vermont, Marybeth walked in at 10pm on Friday night and asked what she could do to help. She and Scott are a godsend. I don't know that we would have been able to pull this off without their assistance. Marybeth also took many of these awesome photographs.

 

 

I love the fact that Riley (my goddaughter) and Vivi are becoming BFFs. They are still learning how to be friends, and will go from love to hate in a blink of an eye, but love usually wins out. As soon as they are apart, the miss each other.

 

 

If you know Jack at all, you know that Jack loves magic and is always trying to learn new tricks. We decided to surprise him with a magician. We had seen Jon Capp a couple of times at Ocean Beach's Summer Magic Series. Jack loved his shows and I knew he would be perfect for Jack's party. Jon is a high school teacher by day, and is fantastic with kids. If you are looking for party entertainment, I can't recommend him highly enough. He was organized, professional, flexible, and it was truly great working with him. He made Jack the center of the show.

 

 

The highlight of the show was when Jon levitated Jack. You can see the video here.

After the show, Jon made awesome balloon creations for the kids. He made some pretty unusual things like alien hats and butterflies.
 

Of course Bernie made a beautifully decorated and tasty cake. He says I have to give Pinterest credit here, but I wouldn't have been able to do this from a Pinterest picture.

After cake, we tried to play some Halloween party games like mummy races, musical pumpkins, mystery boxes, etc. While they were fun, the kids were more interested in playing in the leaves and just running around. We were lucky to have such a beautiful fall day so that we could be outside. Thank you to Bridgette, DeeAnne, and Michael, who helped with some of the activiites.

 

When the party ended, many kids stayed and their parents joined us for trick or treating. We ordered pizza and we put together some other treats: mummy dogs, coffin brownies, spider deviled eggs, punch with floating eyeballs, chili, etc. My inspiration for this came from years of spending Halloween with Deb Martin. She taught me well!

 

 

A pretty big group of us headed out into the neighborhood trick or treating. Being such a large group, we were hard to miss.  Some of the kids, not knowing the neighborhood, visited some of our neighbor's houses twice, and earned the label "double dippers."

Bernie stayed behind to hand out candy and scare kids with his costume and the fog machine. He didn't want to scare the little kids. One of them had an Elmo costume on and wouldn't come near Bernie. Bernie told the little guy to stay away because the Joker was afraid of Elmo. Bernie acted like he was terrified of Elmo. Elmo approached him, giggling, and quickly retreived his candy. 

 

The line of the night came from Jack while we were out trick or treating: "How many houses do we have to do?" It was pretty funny that he thought there was some sort of Halloween quota. I think he was tired from the day's activities and lost interest in trick or treating pretty quickly. Vivi loved trick or treating for the first two houses and then made Jacoby's dad cart her around in his wagon. The older boys were faster than she was at getting to the doors. If she couldn't be the leader of the group, she wasn't interested in participating.

After trick or treating, Jack had four of his friends spend the night. Although they were all exhausted, no one wanted to go to sleep. It made for a long night, but Jack really loved it, so it was worth the effort. Bernie was going to scare them, but we decided if he did that, they might never actually go to sleep. He has vowed to frighten them when they are older (insert evil laugh here).

Sunday morning Bernie said the 2016 annual Halloween Bash is cancelled. By Sunday night he was thinking of ways to make it better. By Monday, he was considering Halloween decorations on clearance. I think this means we are officially on for 2016 :-)

Thank you to everyone who came either to the party or to trick or treating. Thank you for all of the very generous gifts. I think this will be a birthday that Jack might always remember. He wanted to leave the Halloween decorations up until Christmas, but we were able to compromise on leaving them up until December 1st. 

Happy Birthday Little Man! We love you!

 

 

 

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

I've been in Houston for the past week with a dull headache that just wouldn't give up. I didn't figure out why until I watched "Pitch Perfect 2" on the plane. Why did I watch that movie? Because at almost 40, I am still a sucker for movies that involve singing and dancing.

 

At the end of the movie, the girls graduate from college and they all go their separate ways. They have all been changed by the friendships they have formed and they promise to keep in touch. I feel like I've had this same conversation over and over again during the last several weeks. I found myself tearing up at the end of the movie. The person sitting next to me on the plane probably thinks I need medication. Lol.

I have taken a new job at my company. I'm staying in the same department, on the same floor, but switching product lines. I've been downplaying the change because it doesn't feel like all that much of a change, but yet the change is significant. It is a promotion, and it involves very little travel. These are both great things in my book. Plus, I will broaden my knowledge base which will only make me more marketable down the road. I will be working with an entirely new set of clients.

 

I am lying to myself and to my colleagues if I say that I am not leaving behind a whole lot of history and a whole bunch of incredible people. I was telling someone yesterday that I don't think auto will ever hold a candle to the cast of characters I've met in property. I've met so many people that I hope will remain on my journey going forward. I've seen some incredible places. I've found a new favorite city (Nashville), a new favorite desert (bananas foster), and I've learned that people are basically the same every where you go. I've been able to help families devastated by hurricanes, I've helped fight insurance fraud. I've had cases that I am certain I will be telling my great grandchildren about one day.

I've met some people along the way that I consider some of my best friends, LaDonna, Cheryl, and Lesley. Shifts in job titles could never change our past crazy adventures or our future shenanigans (of which I anticipate there will be plenty). I've worked with very talented defense counsel whom I would trust to represent me personally, Becca and Gene. I've even met some mediators and adversaries that I would consider friends under any other context (you know who you are). You have all become my second family, my home away from home.

I am so blessed. I have checked a few sites off my bucket list, drank a few bottles of wine, and laughed until I cried. Time and again we have sat talking at restaurants well past closing time. We have been through marriages, births, and deaths together. You are the people I would take into battle (mostly because I have). Everytime I take a walk down memory lane, I am astonished by how incredibly long and vast that road has become. I have learned so much about insurance coverage, about litigation, and especially about myself. Thank you, thank you, for sharing this journey with me. 

I understand there may be a pot going for how long before, as Lesley says, "I get fire under my feet." Lesley has 6 weeks, I think Becca said 4 months. No one seems to think I will be able to sit still very long. Contact Lesley if you want in on the pool :-)

Thank you to all of you that have helped at home while I've had to travel, to Bernie especially, but also to my mother, my mother in law, to Kellee, and to DeeAnne. It hasn't been easy for Bernie or our kids, but you have been there to support us.

 

I am working with a great new team, with a variety of new challenges. I'm excited about what lies ahead. I'm not happy about being stuck in Connecticut in February, but I will survive. Maybe I will take up skiing or snowshoeing. Stay tuned!

"I've got my ticket for the long way 'round

Two bottle whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I'm leaving tomorrow. What d'you say?"

- Cups by Anna Kendrick

My Girl

I am writing this on the train on the way to NYC for another day of Sandy mediations. In the never ending struggle for balance, I'm striving to be done in time to make it back for Jack's open house this evening. I made the same mad dash home last year and was only fifteen minutes late, so there is hope.

Additionally, today is preschool orientation for Miss Vivian. She'll go for one hour today with her dad. Although I'm a little disappointed that he gets to take her and not me, this is his job. Bernie will be the one volunteering in the classroom. It makes sense that he goes to orientation with her. Next week she'll start going two mornings/week on her own. She is beyond excited. I will be home next week to see her off on her first full day, pick her up, and take her out for a celebration lunch.

I'm a little sad, but not for all the usual reasons. Of course, I wish she would stop growing so fast. I'm sad because this is her first real foray into the world without us. I wish I could wrap her little heart in bubble wrap. Her teachers are amazing. We know because they were Jack's teachers. I know they will protect Vivi as if she was their own. We are privileged to have found such an amazing place. However, we all know that kids can be mean, especially when they are still learning how to be friends. The teachers can't and shouldn't stop every unfortunate interaction. It is through these interactions that our kids begin to understand how to navigate relationships. It is also through these interactions that they begin to question their place in the world. 

Vivi is not self conscious about anything. I wish she could always be so confident. A few months ago, we were taking a hotel elevator to the pool. She looked in the mirror and proudly stated, "I look cute in my bathing suit." She had on her Elsa bathing suit with a little tutu and she was right. She looked adorable. Last week she said, "I love my curls." I love them too. I hope she never straightens her hair.  Although, I'm certain she'll try straightening, coloring, cutting it, and whatever else has been invented by the time she reaches her pre-teen years. Thanks to our hair dresser, Sue, who sold her temporary color, Vivi already likes to add purple streaks in her hair. Purple is her favorite color.

The words from "The Help" echo with me when I think about my girl. I want her to know that she is kind, she is smart, and she is important. She is also spunky, viviacious, and a force to be reckoned with at times (God help her teachers). She is so many positive things, wrapped up in a tiny little package.  I hope she is resilient enough to not let anyone dampen her incredible spirit.  She truly is my sunshine. I never want her to be anything but her own, perfect self.

Have a great day, baby girl. I love you to the moon and back!

Dischord

I have an earworm. I just learned that term. Urban Dictionary defines it as "a song that sticks in your mind, and will not leave no matter how much you try." I almost always have one, but this one different, it has stuck with me since last week; and it isn't going anywhere.

Sometimes you have experiences that resonate with you in ways you would never expect. That is what happened to me on Thursday. I had finished a mediation in New York and I met up with Nick and Emma. They had taken the train into the city with me in the morning. When we were trying to decide what to do, I suggested two things that none of us had seen or done before. One was to visit the "Strawberry Fields" section of Central Park and the other was to eat at "Tom's Restaurant," which is featured prominently in Seinfeld and in Suzanne Vega's song, "Tom's Diner."

Although I've listened to the Beatles and some of Lennon's solo material, I've never really followed them. To me, visiting Strawberry Fields was just one of many things you can do when you find yourself meandering through Central Park. We discovered however, not surprisingly, that the Lennon Memorial is visited by many diehard Beatles fans.

I also discovered that this simple and beautiful memorial is incredibly moving. For me, it is less about Lennon, and more about peace, and the quest to find common ground. Although this is a designated quiet area of the park, there was a musician near the circle playing "Imagine" and other related songs. I suspect this is often the case. I read after the fact, that 121 countries contributed to the site by sending trees and flowers. There are few things that would summon such international support. The 2 1/2 acre section of the park provides a kind of serenity that is hard to find elsewhere in New York City. The tranquility took me a little by surprise.

Since we left the memorial, "Imagine" has become my earworm.

I was explaining to Nick and Emma that I believed "Imagine" was one of those songs that transcends generations. Nick being the comical genius that he is, likened it to "Baby Got Back." I hope he is wrong. Someday, at least a decade from now, when I do have grandchildren, I hope I don't have to listen to them sing "I like big butts and I can not lie." My guess is that Nick will make sure this happens.

"Imagine" is just as relevant today as it was when it was written in 1971; maybe even more so. Then we were at war with other countries, now we seem to be at war with ourselves. Over 40 years later, we are still searching for a way to break down barriers, to eradicate violence, to find acceptance, to find love. It doesn't feel like we have made much progress. For me the song is a sad reminder that although we proclaim we want peace, we do little to actually move in that direction. I believe it is possible. Yet as a society, we can't seem to wrap our collective heads around how to make it happen. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little to achieve something great for the common good. We have given so many lives to fight battles for and in other countries. Yet, it seems we give little effort and attention to the battles in our own neighborhoods. This is becoming even more clear to me as I begin to represent children in DCF cases.

I thought if I listened to the song, maybe I could get rid of the earworm, so I downloaded "Imagine" from iTunes and proceeded to find it in my song list. I hit play. I was startled when that song ended and the next song in alphabetical order started; because it was "The Imperial March." I downloaded Darth Vader's anthem for Jack many moons ago. The dichotomy between the symbolism of those two songs is the discord we live in. Darth Vader constantly battled with good vs. evil; as most of us do. Evil comes in many shapes and sizes. We all have our own demons. It seems Lennon did as well.

In the midst of all the chaos and tragedy plastered all over the news, I still seem find hope with each sunrise. Maybe I am a hopeless optimist, but I firmly believe that each day, every day we can do better. Maybe we will get there, eventually. Maybe we will get there together. Maybe. Maybe someday I can send my kids to school or take them to the movies and not worry about losing them to violence. We can do better for our society, for ourselves, for our children. Just imagine the possibilities.

 

 

"You may say I'm a dreamer,

but I'm not the only one...

I hope one day you'll join us

And the world will live as one."

Happy 21st Anniversary of Your 21st Birthday!

In June of 1994, I was eighteen. I had just graduated from high school and was planning to attend UCONN in the fall. My parents had helped me purchase a new car for my commute, a gold Saturn SL2. I had just gotten my drivers’ license. I loved my car, my freedom, and I especially loved my boyfriend. We had been dating for six months by this time. He had just finished his second year at Eastern Connecticut State University. I was working at Sam Goody in the Buckland Hills Mall (it was a store that sold CDs, tapes, and records – Vivian will never know what these things are). He was working as a third shift security guard at Rocky Neck State Park for the season. Working different shifts on opposite sides of the state was difficult because I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. He was gorgeous with his big smile and electrifying blue eyes. I loved the way he made me laugh and how safe I felt in his arms. When we weren’t together, I would wear his oversized flannel shirts that still smelled like Eternity by Calvin Klein. I was in love and excited about the future.

My boyfriend was turning twenty-one and insisted he didn’t want to have a party. Since we were both still living with our parents, we really didn’t have a place to gather. Making a little more than minimum wage at the time, I couldn’t really afford to throw him a party, but I felt that I had to do something. I rented a camp site at Rocky Neck and invited a small group of friends to come and hang out with us. I brought a tent, some sleeping bags, cake, and some snacks. One of our friends brought adult beverages. My plan was for us to sit on the beach and watch the moon reflect off of Long Island Sound. Alternatively, I thought we could gather in the pavilion, and then camp out under the stars. We arrived after sunset and made our way towards the water. It was a chilly night, as many summer evenings are in Connecticut. Of course, the beach was closed after dark. The pavilion was open, but there was no power. It was too dark inside to stay there. I never thought to bring a flashlight. We were not supposed to be in either place, so the park rangers kicked us out. The rangers had worked at the park for many years and were much older than my boyfriend. They were not going to bend the rules for him. My boyfriend didn’t want the rangers to know he was part of our group, so he would try to hide when they came around. He was afraid he might lose his job if he got caught. We ended up at our campsite with few supplies. Our friends didn’t really know each other, so the conversations were somewhat awkward. It turned out that my boyfriend hated bugs (which seemed to be out in force) and hated camping. I think we all left to go home by midnight. It was decidedly the worst party I had ever attempted. I felt terrible; I just wanted everyone to have a good time.

I had that gathering for Bernie twenty one years ago today. Some things have changed since then. For one, I throw way better parties now. Our friends have grown up with us or met us along the way, so awkward conversations are a thing of the past. My Saturn died many years ago, mostly because I didn’t think you had to change the oil until the oil light came on. We’ve done a fair amount of growing up since then, both individually and together. Of course we haven’t aged at all (yeah, right).

After all these years, some things have stayed the same. Bernie still hates bugs and camping. You are still not allowed to be on the beach after dark at Rocky Neck. I still love my husband. In fact, I love him a little more every day. I still love his blue eyes and how I feel safe in his arms. I love how Vivian feels safe in his arms too. I love how Jack tries to make everyone laugh, just like his dad. I love how Nick inherited Bernie’s sarcasm. On that beach, in 1994, I could never have imagined the life we have built together. I am so thankful that Bernie chose me to be his partner. I am excited about our future. 

 

 

 

Happy 21^st Anniversary of your 21^st Birthday, Bernie Edwards! I hope that we get to celebrate many more of your birthdays together. I love you!